Daring To Be Vulnerable
Being vulnerable. It’s not something we tend to aim for or aspire to. We don’t like to feel exposed or at the mercy of others and we’d rather not place ourselves in the line of fire. We like to be able to take care of ourselves and our concerns and go about our daily business feeling protected from the world and from the comments and observations of others. Sometimes we do this to our own detriment, but it feels safe.
Our vulnerabilities are often described as our Achilles Heel – our weak spot. In Greek legend, the sea-nymph, Thetis, tried many ways to make her mortal son, Achilles, immortal, the most famous of which was dipping her baby into the River Styx. Since Thetis had to hold him by the heel, this one spot was left vulnerable and at Troy brought about his death from a poisoned arrow shot by Paris. This myth is the personification of our ability to be brought down by our own weak spots and makes a strong connection between vulnerability and death. At the same time it highlights that our vulnerable spots are also the parts that make us human, a sign of our mortality and an intrinsic part of our nature. When we cannot mention what we may be struggling with, we are attempting to be super-human and it is often our attempts at being super-human that really lead to our downfall, whether that is in our own health and well-being, our relationships, our business, or perhaps even our life itself.
Our experience of showing our vulnerabilities though can indeed be painful and it usually feels as though our very survival is at stake. Perhaps we were ridiculed in the past or made to feel inadequate. Perhaps we were particularly vulnerable at some point during our developing years and nobody came to help. Perhaps in an attempt to gain power, and to stop the spotlight falling on us, we have exploited the vulnerabilities of others and are afraid of the same thing happening to us. During childhood, we are not usually in a position to defend ourselves and as such build strategies for our own protection. But as adults, when we are better equipped to handle things, what is it that stops us from exploring our vulnerabilities and acknowledging their presence? Are they too raw, too close to the knuckle? Do we prefer not to acknowledge our flaws? Do we think we are too old to change? Does our society in its focus on achievement and results not allow for it? I have my own theory, partly based on my own experiences and partly on my observations of working with others. I think that when we begin to show our own weaknesses, and express our personal challenges, we are afraid of falling apart. When we begin to lift the lid on our vulnerabilities we feel the enormity of the chasm inside and it’s a chasm that we are afraid of falling into. It is much easier to cling onto the life I know, even if I’m doing it by my fingertips, than to freefall into another world, especially if that is a world in which I feel alone.
Being vulnerable means being at risk to some kind of damage – be it physical, emotional or psychological. It doesn’t mean actually experiencing it – just being at risk of it. However it also means being open to receiving something from another person and it might just be their kindness or generosity. The trouble is we don’t know which and we won’t find out if we’re not willing to take the risk. Our Achilles heel may well be the route to our own downfall but it is also our connection to the human world if we can see it that way. The very point at which I am open to harm is also the same point at which I am open to love. They are one and the same. If I am so tight and ‘sorted’ that you can’t see my flaws, you will also struggle to see how to love me too. If I am closed to being vulnerable I am closed to being loved.
So, where does vulnerability fit into leadership? There is a false notion that strong leaders have no weaknesses. Certainly there is a focus on being positive and successful in leadership work, both of which have their place, but in their book, ‘Why Should Anyone Be Led By You?’ Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones identified four key characteristics of inspirational leaders, based on extensive research they had undertaken. One of those characteristics was selective vulnerability. Selective in the sense that exposing too many weaknesses may undermine your credibility but not showing any at all undermines your ability to connect with and inspire others. They found that leaders who did not show some kind of weakness may have been respected and admired but they were not inspirational. We are all human and the most inspiring leaders are those who experience personal challenges but manage to achieve something despite those. From people like that you gain hope. From people like that you acquire the belief that if they can do it, you can do it. And from people like that you can gain an understanding that it’s OK to be you with all your flaws and imperfections, all your uncertainties and doubts, and all your vulnerabilities. They are the ones that allow their souls to be pierced and in doing so pave the way for others to do the same. If we are to experience the fullness of life we need to take a few risks, despite our pain, and allow our souls to be exposed. Far from being alone we may find that we are in good company. I think one of our greatest fears is not being accepted for who we are and because of that, we don’t even accept our vulnerabilities in ourselves. Not being able to accept our own weaknesses then becomes a weakness in itself because our personal challenges are the portal through which we must pass to become more complete as human beings.
It takes a certain kind of strength to acknowledge your weaknesses and let them be seen and it takes a deeper kind of strength still to turn them around. But if you are willing to go there, the rewards in terms of your own fulfilment and sense of purpose are well worth the price. Yes, you may risk a bit of exposure but you will also risk the possibility of love and human connection. The arrow that you think is headed for your heel may well turn out to be the very one that strikes your soul. And if it strikes your soul it will inevitably reverberate through the soul of someone else.
