http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/ en andrea.nolan@onelife2live.co.uk Copyright 2012 2012-02-08T09:25:10+00:00 http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/daring-to-be-vulnerable/ http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/daring-to-be-vulnerable/#When:09:25 Being vulnerable. It’s not something we tend to aim for or aspire to. We don’t like to feel exposed or at the mercy of others and we’d rather not place ourselves in the line of fire. We like to be able to take care of ourselves and our concerns and go about our daily business feeling protected from the world and from the comments and observations of others. Sometimes we do this to our own detriment, but it feels safe.  Our vulnerabilities are often described as our Achilles Heel – our weak spot. In Greek legend, the sea-nymph, Thetis, tried many ways to make her mortal son, Achilles, immortal, the most famous of which was dipping her baby into the River Styx. Since Thetis had to hold him by the heel, this one spot was left vulnerable and at Troy brought about his death from a poisoned arrow shot by Paris. This myth is the personification of our ability to be brought down by our own weak spots and makes a strong connection between vulnerability and death. At the same time it highlights that our vulnerable spots are also the parts that make us human, a sign of our mortality and an intrinsic part of our nature. When we cannot mention what we may be struggling with, we are attempting to be super-human and it is often our attempts at being super-human that really lead to our downfall, whether that is in our own health and well-being, our relationships, our business, or perhaps even our life itself. Our experience of showing our vulnerabilities though can indeed be painful and it usually feels as though our very survival is at stake. Perhaps we were ridiculed in the past or made to feel inadequate. Perhaps we were particularly vulnerable at some point during our developing years and nobody came to help. Perhaps in an attempt to gain power, and to stop the spotlight falling on us, we have exploited the vulnerabilities of others and are afraid of the same thing happening to us. During childhood, we are not usually in a position to defend ourselves and as such build strategies for our own protection. But as adults, when we are better equipped to handle things, what is it that stops us from exploring our vulnerabilities and acknowledging their presence? Are they too raw, too close to the knuckle?  Do we prefer not to acknowledge our flaws? Do we think we are too old to change? Does our society in its focus on achievement and results not allow for it? I have my own theory, partly based on my own experiences and partly on my observations of working with others. I think that when we begin to show our own weaknesses, and express our personal challenges, we are afraid of falling apart. When we begin to lift the lid on our vulnerabilities we feel the enormity of the chasm inside and it’s a chasm that we are afraid of falling into. It is much easier to cling onto the life I know, even if I’m doing it by my fingertips, than to freefall into another world, especially if that is a world in which I feel alone. Being vulnerable means being at risk to some kind of damage – be it physical, emotional or psychological. It doesn’t mean actually experiencing it – just being at risk of it.  However it also means being open to receiving something from another person and it might just be their kindness or generosity. The trouble is we don’t know which and we won’t find out if we’re not willing to take the risk. Our Achilles heel may well be the route to our own downfall but it is also our connection to the human world if we can see it that way. The very point at which I am open to harm is also the same point at which I am open to love. They are one and the same. If I am so tight and ‘sorted’ that you can’t see my flaws, you will also struggle to see how to love me too. If I am closed to being vulnerable I am closed to being loved. So, where does vulnerability fit into leadership? There is a false notion that strong leaders have no weaknesses. Certainly there is a focus on being positive and successful in leadership work, both of which have their place, but in their book, ‘Why Should Anyone Be Led By You?’ Rob Goffee and Gareth Jones identified four key characteristics of inspirational leaders, based on extensive research they had undertaken. One of those characteristics was selective vulnerability. Selective in the sense that exposing too many weaknesses may undermine your credibility but not showing any at all undermines your ability to connect with and inspire others. They found that leaders who did not show some kind of weakness may have been respected and admired but they were not inspirational. We are all human and the most inspiring leaders are those who experience personal challenges but manage to achieve something despite those. From people like that you gain hope. From people like that you acquire the belief that if they can do it, you can do it. And from people like that you can gain an understanding that it’s OK to be you with all your flaws and imperfections, all your uncertainties and doubts, and all your vulnerabilities. They are the ones that allow their souls to be pierced and in doing so pave the way for others to do the same. If we are to experience the fullness of life we need to take a few risks, despite our pain, and allow our souls to be exposed. Far from being alone we may find that we are in good company. I think one of our greatest fears is not being accepted for who we are and because of that, we don’t even accept our vulnerabilities in ourselves. Not being able to accept our own weaknesses then becomes a weakness in itself because our personal challenges are the portal through which we must pass to become more complete as human beings.  It takes a certain kind of strength to acknowledge your weaknesses and let them be seen and it takes a deeper kind of strength still to turn them around. But if you are willing to go there, the rewards in terms of your own fulfilment and sense of purpose are well worth the price. Yes, you may risk a bit of exposure but you will also risk the possibility of love and human connection. The arrow that you think is headed for your heel may well turn out to be the very one that strikes your soul. And if it strikes your soul it will inevitably reverberate through the soul of someone else.        2012-02-08T09:25:10+00:00 http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/soul-and-spirit-and-the-importance-of-both-at-work/ http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/soul-and-spirit-and-the-importance-of-both-at-work/#When:09:22 It may seem somewhat strange to write about the importance of soul and spirit at work. It may seem even more strange to write about it during times of recession, especially when the prevailing mood suggests you should consider yourself lucky to have a job at all never mind one that you enjoy. However, if we are to consider the real human element of what we do, we need to acknowledge and witness some fundamental needs; needs which hold no relationship whatsoever to the economic climate. You may have a job that pays the bills but if your job lacks spirit and soul then it lacks meaning and meaning is a fundamental issue that transcends economic fluctuations. Human needs do not stop just because the economy takes a dip. Soul To have soul at work means you must find work that connects to your own personal nature and makes you feel alive. Our choice of work flows from who we are – our interests, talents, hopes and values. If we do work in line with our nature, we are not contradicting the person we are or working against own values. During times of redundancy and the frenzied pursuit for the next job we don’t often think about who we are, and if financial matters are pressing we tend to take whatever job might present itself. Whilst that might be necessary to ease the pressure in the short term, adopting it as a long-term strategy means our work remains ungrounded and we become detached from what we do. The soul is about connectedness and intimacy. It is what makes us unique as a person, a human being with deep feelings and the capacity for strong relationships. ‘Deep’ is perhaps the best word to describe the experience of the soul – deep feelings, deep connections, deep projects and deep thoughts. Soul is also about the ups and downs of life – the breathing in and out, winning and losing, beginnings and endings. It is the bitter-sweet rhythm of an engaged life. Soul gets lost when life can’t continue in its own rhythm and soullessness is the ultimate cause of deep dissatisfaction. It is important in work not only to be excited about progressing and earning money but also to be deeply concerned about the value and importance of what we are doing. When you have soul, you are capable of loving your work and the things you create. This doesn’t mean liking every minute or being passionate about what you do but it must feel like the work you want to do. Soul is present when you are present – when you’re not just going through the motions. But it can’t appear if the job doesn’t allow for it or if you are not in a place yourself where you willing or able to bring it to work. Many of the things we do today we do at a distance, never seeing the results of our labour. We worry so much about targets, profit and efficiency that important human issues go unnoticed and the connection between the two hardly registers. Whatever the work, however exalted or menial, a person needs the basic human experiences of intimate connection and love. Without soul, work feels empty. You have to force yourself to do it and you become open to being distracted at every opportunity. You may be physically present but mentally and emotionally you are far away. If you have soul, you also have individuality. If you are not a person of soul you probably think like the crowd and go after the rewards that everyone takes for granted as being desirable. You may think like the culture at large or your religion or your family and be completely unaware of the influence of these groups on you. Part of finding your soul is to wake up to your own uniqueness and go your own way. This is not about being a maverick but rather choosing to live from your heart and recognising that if you can’t live from that place in your current job then perhaps it is time to move on. Spirit Spirit is different from soul but is equally important. It is the upper regions of experience and includes vision, growth, discovery and adventure. Spirit is not the same as spirituality – it is a more fundamental portion of who you are. Ideas, enthusiasm, challenge, and intellectual stimulation are all aspects of spirit. The spirit embodies elements of transcendence and going beyond the status quo. It is uplifting major key music in contrast to the deeper minor keys of the soul. Spirit is what gives you a large view of life and your place in it. It provides you with the opportunity to engage your high ideals and attracts you to the aims and values of an organisation. It provides an opening where your individual contribution can connect to a wider purpose. Whilst the spirit is strong and focused, it can be sacrificed for materialistic purposes. The spirit can be crushed by the weight of forces that give you money to live on but no opportunity to make progress with your ambitions or ideals. The crushing of the spirit is a form of depression at work and can show up in disguised symptoms such as poor performance, anger, cynicism, excessive criticism, whining and ultimately withdrawal from life. The Combination Spirit and soul are both essential and work best when linked to one another.  They are two ends of the same spectrum – one extending upwards towards the future and possibilities; the other pushing downwards to our human history and timeless wisdom. They are two directions, both necessary to each other. The soul grows roots whilst the sprit grows leaves. Spirit moves us into the future while the soul keeps us tied to the past. Both are rich resources – the deep and the transcendent, and give dimension to our quest for a life of purpose. After all, we are not just looking for a job but some activity that will bring meaning to our existence. To have a job where soul and spirit come together creatively means you can pursue your high ideals, know you make a difference, and feel deeply connected to the people and results. This is a truly rewarding place to be where you remain grounded to the circumstances of your life and appreciate the simple pleasures even as you explore the world in pursuit of your dreams. When they come together, you are able to orchestrate the whole range of major and minor key music and allow them to play out in the opus of your own life. Accepting a job that turns out to have neither is like buying a seat for a concert in which the music never starts. Soul and spirit work like partners. Together they offer depth and transcendence, memory and hope, intimacy and universality. They engage the whole person in creating work that satisfies and offers a sense of meaning. These two dimensions make for a complete experience of work and in the end give your life the great dimensions it needs to fulfil you as a person. But if you are afraid of life’s potential and hide away, or if you freeze your spirit in some form of ideology or belief system, you will have no vibrant soul and spirit to bring to your work. Both spirit and soul have to be alive or else one will suffer from wounds to the other. When people leave employment as a result of despondency rather than opportunity, it is usually as the result of damage to one or other, if not to both. The Impact on Leadership Leadership and engagement are two topics that are much discussed in the HR and management community. Catering for both aspects of spirit and soul are absolutely essential if the human dimension of work is to be fully connected. These are not fluffy new-age notions but timeless and fundamental elements of what it means to be human, and in particular what it means to be human at work.  It is the role of organisational leaders to build both aspects of a business – the visionary and the deeply connected and it is the role of each and every one of us as leaders of our own lives to find those aspects in ourselves if we are to live a life of meaning. 2011-12-07T09:22:14+00:00 http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/give-yourself-or-someone-else-a-christmas-present-that-will-make-a-positive/ http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/give-yourself-or-someone-else-a-christmas-present-that-will-make-a-positive/#When:12:43 Fed up of trawling round the shops looking to buy presents for people that they don’t really need?  If so, why not buy a workshop for someone that will make a positive difference to their lives. Alternatively you can pay for a workshop and leave the choice up to them. I will be running twelve one-day workshops over the course of 2012. Please get in touch for further details. 2011-11-21T12:43:13+00:00 http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/coaching-for-personal-leadership-is-now-available-to-individuals-on-a-/ http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/coaching-for-personal-leadership-is-now-available-to-individuals-on-a-/#When:16:05 This is for anyone wishing to invest in themselves to facilitate and enhance their own personal development. Personal leadership coaching is coaching that assists you in leading your own life. It includes any area that may be proving to be personally challenging and where you wish to change the likely trajectory of your life course. These areas may be related to self-esteem and confidence; the capacity to manage your own personal well-being, especially stress and pressure; handling conflict and challenges; managing your personal, family or work-based relationships; career; finding meaning and purpose in your life; or helping you navigate through transitional periods of change.  Coaching for personal leadership works very much on the basis that we are co-creators of our own existence and whilst there are many areas of life that we cannot change, there are also areas that we can. The areas that we can change are very much influenced by the person we have become through our past experiences and orientation to life, and the person we continue to be through our ongoing behaviours and patterns of action. Whilst these aspects are lodged at a deep level within our minds and bodies, they can be changed where they no longer serve our best interests. This requires becoming consciously aware of our ways of operating and adopting practices that shift our capacity to act in the world.  What you can expect In personal leadership coaching, I work with you to take stock of your current circumstances. Together we work to change your orientation to life away from something that may be inhibiting your own well-being, effectiveness and satisfaction towards one that will assist you in living a more authentic and fulfilled life. In order to do this, I work very much with your own personal challenges and issues. In assisting you to make positive changes in your life I offer a mix of different transformational therapies. These include more conscious living, hypnotherapy, NLP, Time-Line Therapy™, personal change work, meditation and relaxation techniques, body practices and life practices. I work very much with areas that help nurture your spirit and soul as well as keeping you grounded and rooted in responsible living. All of these practices help to facilitate your psychological and emotional well-being and allow you to access areas of your potential that may otherwise have remained hidden or dormant. This work does require addressing some tough issues, but we work together in the interests of creating a more empowered sense of self, and one that allows you to remain true to your own needs and desires whilst simultaneously building effective relationships with others and society at large. 2011-11-07T16:05:32+00:00 http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/conversations-without-a-purpose/ http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/conversations-without-a-purpose/#When:14:24 Now running ‘Conversations Without A Purpose’. These sessions are available for anyone who would like someone to talk to outside of their normal circle of friends/ family and contacts. They are an opportunity to off-load and be listened to and to have someone be fully present to you for an hour. These are not coached sessions or therapy sessions, just a conversation during which you can talk about anything you like. Can be booked as a one-off or a series, whichever you prefer. Please see the ‘one-to-one’ page on the website for further details. News 2011-10-31T14:24:47+00:00 http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/when-life-just-doesnt-go-our-way/ http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/when-life-just-doesnt-go-our-way/#When:12:08 There are times in life when things just don’t go the way we had hoped or planned. Perhaps a conversation we were having with someone at work or home didn’t go how we thought it might. Perhaps we return from a holiday to find the fridge has gone bust and the TV isn’t working or perhaps we get news of someone we care about becoming ill. In life we all encounter unexpected challenges and twists we had not anticipated. Despite our best efforts we learn in painful ways that we are not after all the Masters of the Universe.  In my early twenties I went over to Long Island, New York to stay with a great-aunt of mine. Amongst other things she gave me a bookmark she had designed and on the back she’d written a prayer composed by Reinhold Niebuhr: ‘God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’. Both the bookmark and the words have stayed with me since then.  The prayer that Niebuhr composed has been used by recovery associations but it is also a useful philosophy for life. Increasingly much of the coaching work I do is around helping people through times of transition. This may be working with leaders who are faced with providing direction to others during times of uncertainty and rapid change or working with people on a more personal basis who are attempting to lead their own lives and are perhaps faced with more individual challenges. Applying Niebuhr’s prayer to our own situations and lives can help in working through the difficulties of transition.  Firstly, in asking for the serenity to accept the things that cannot be changed this presents the realisation that there in fact are some things that cannot be changed. In our world of modern technology, huge scientific advances and rapid response, we get lured into thinking that everything can be controlled and everything can be fixed. It can’t. For instance we cannot control the seasons, we cannot make a day longer than 24 hours, and despite our most optimistic attempts to have a barbeque when the sun comes out there’s nothing we can do to when the heavens decide to open and it pours with rain. These may seem obvious but sometimes the givens of life are very much overlooked. Attempting to change things that cannot be changed leads to much frustration and heartache. It also means we fail to see that a larger force is often at play, which would take us to a different place if we could surrender to it. It can also mean that we can miss out on the mystery of life because we are too intent on having things go our way. Far from it being a depressing notion, accepting that some things cannot be changed can bring about a certain amount of peace and freedom. Then we have the request for courage to change the things we can change. Often because we are focusing on the things that cannot be changed we are blind to the things that can be changed. Furthermore, there are often things we can influence even if we cannot completely change them. To change what can be changed however does require courage. Too often we are inclined to say ‘There’s nothing I can do about that’ when actually there’s everything we can do to about it. This requires growing up. This requires acknowledging and accepting responsibility to do something when we’d really rather not. It is much easier to pretend that we can’t do something than to acknowledge that we can because then we have to take some kind of action instead of just complaining. This can be tough because it exposes us to our insecurities and fears which really lie behind the reasons why we don’t act when we could. It puts us up against ourselves. But moving forward does not just require courage. It also requires developing a compassion towards ourselves and those around us and a commitment to strive for something better. Finally, the prayer requests the wisdom to know the difference between what can and cannot be changed. This is the tricky bit because it is not always obvious. Whilst wisdom is gained through age and experience it also resides in intuition and following our intuition is frowned upon in a world that is built on logic and reason. It also means separating out what is our business, what is someone else’s business and what is God’s business, or the Universe’s business, or whatever larger force you may believe in. For example, if you move house and have a house-warming party, whether or not you choose to invite me is your business. If you do invite me, whether or not I choose to accept and come along is my business. Assuming you do invite me and I do attend, the fact that I might meet someone there who I haven’t seen for 20 years, and who I didn’t know you knew and you didn’t know I knew, is the Universe’s business. Far too often in life we are tied up in attempting to fix someone else’s business, or the Universe’s business, and don’t attend to our own business. If we do begin to attend to our own business this means we focus on the only person we can ever change and that can be a lifelong challenge. It means changing what can be changed and surrendering to the rest. It means setting our sails but being open to where the wind might take us. It means having some direction in our lives but allowing larger forces to play a part and trusting where that might take us.  As Joseph Campbell says: ‘We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us’. So when life doesn’t go our way perhaps we need to be open instead to going the way of life. Who knows, it may eventually take us to a better destination than the one we had planned.  2011-10-20T12:08:55+00:00 http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/embracing-our-shadow-side/ http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/embracing-our-shadow-side/#When:11:40 Nature is full of opposites: night and day; light and dark; sea and land; winter and summer; male and female, to name but a few. Eastern philosophy promotes Yin and Yang – two opposite and complementary natural energies that combine to produce a whole. In this world of advanced technology and heavily constructed cities, we can lose sight of the fact that we, too, are part of nature. We are not separate beings from the rest of the world. What exists in nature exists in us. In fact it is purely humans who have divided the cosmos into opposites and how else could it have occurred to us to do it unless we had the prototype of such a division within ourselves. This is an interesting concept when it comes to personal development and transformation because generally speaking we prefer not to think about that. Instead we prefer to classify events and people as good or bad, for us or against us, in or out. From early childhood, we are brought up with the ‘good-‘uns’ and the ‘bad-uns’, cops and robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Beauty and the Beast. In other words, we are one or the other but not usually both. As human beings, however, we all have light and dark within us, good and bad, forces that are healthy and constructive and forces that can destroy and harm. We are a conglomerate of opposites, some of which we recognise and accept and some of which we don’t. Many of the unacceptable aspects of ourselves are hidden from us. Carl Jung first used the term ‘shadow’ to describe the repressed or denied part of the Self; the aspects we split off and dissociate from and the parts of ourselves we are afraid to show. As infants, we are born expressing the full breadth of our human nature, without editing or censoring. As we grow up, however, we learn that certain slices of our nature are unacceptable to the people around us. Maybe we are shamed for crying or told to be quiet for asking too many difficult questions. Perhaps we are ridiculed for wanting affection or attacked for being in the way. We develop coping strategies for whatever happens to us in childhood and adolescence by denying aspects of ourselves, building armour and merging with whatever we need to do to protect ourselves. This serves the purpose of allowing us to survive whether on a physical, emotional or psychological level but these coping strategies become hardwired and carried through into adulthood where they may no longer serve us. However, even if we are given everything we could hope for as children that does not necessarily mean we go on to function well as adults since we may carry into adulthood expectations of entitlement, a feeling that everything should go our way, and an incapacity and unwillingness to deal with life’s difficulties. Either way, we emerge into adulthood as a combination of positives and negatives, some of which are on the surface and some of which are beneath the veil of consciousness and in the realm of the shadow. If we can begin to see our own shadow side, there is a chance that the process of achieving wholeness can begin. But if the shadow is beyond our awareness, how can we begin to recognise it? Furthermore, do we even want to see it and what will we do with it once shown? Do we have the courage to face it and address it and ultimately overcome and integrate it? This challenge is one that sits deep in the human psyche. It is the subject of many books and films which originate from the human imagination and archetypical images. Lord Voldemort is such a challenge and threat to Harry Potter precisely because he is a part of him. In Star Wars, Darth Vader is the embodiment of power misused, The ‘dark side’ proves to be the father of the hero, Luke Skywalker, and as such a force that also resides within himself. The battle played out on the screen of such films is the battle of the human psyche. It is the struggle of human goodness against its own shadow. It is not a fight that exists between one person and another but a battle between two sides of the same person. This is so difficult for our egos to accept that we project it onto the outside word. However, goodness exists in the world because it exists in us. Cruelty also exists in the world for the same reason. We can deny it, repress it and disown it. Or we can learn to face it, in all its ugliness and challenges, and seek to integrate it. Many spiritual practices and religions that encourage ‘rising above’ our baser instincts only serve to disinherit and disown the shadow. Our wholeness and greatness is not reached by dissociating from our wild natures, but by accepting them as present, understanding what they can teach us about ourselves, and finding a way of integrating them. Nothing can be healed or resolved through avoidance or denial. Our task is not to attend to the forces ‘out there’ but to recognise that our work lies in attending to our own internal battles. The Shadow is the portal through which we must pass to become whole human beings. Paradoxically, when we begin to undertake that task, our ability to positively impact the world around us begins to grow. If you are interested in learning more about the Shadow, I will be launching a workshop in January called ‘The Shadow of the Psyche’ which is about facing our challenges as a route to wholeness. If you are a therapist or healer working with others this will be of particular interest. If you are curious about how you can gain access to your own shadow, this workshop will reveal some of the ways in which our shadow is cast and how we can begin the difficult and challenging task of blending the two sides of our own nature. 2011-09-07T11:40:08+00:00 http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/making-sense-of-our-emotions/ http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/making-sense-of-our-emotions/#When:10:20 The dichotomy between rational thinking and emotional behaviour has always been a key element of Western philosophical history. The Western tradition has historically aligned itself to the notion of Dualism, which separates out the mind from the body and is primarily based on the thinking of Descartes. Extreme Dualism sees emotional behaviour as the complete antithesis of rational behaviour. Modern neuroscience however suggests that truly rational behaviour is not possible without emotion. Moreover, there are increasing amounts of experimental and clinical data pointing to the view that emotions and feelings are actually necessary for rational behaviour. In turn, rationality has not historically been naturally applied to emotions. We do not attempt to interpret our emotions and make sense of them and from there manage their manifestation in a constructive way. We prefer to keep our rational and emotional realms separate.  Built on the Western tradition of Duality is an educational system which concentrates solely on the development of intellectual and practical skills, both functions of the rational brain. Whilst increasing efforts are made to raise academic standards, emotional education remains non-existent in the national curriculum. Our ability to navigate our emotions and to manage them intelligently is largely left to chance. The result is a society that rewards academic attainment whilst simultaneously producing emotional illiteracy. Alongside this are increasing trends of aggression and depression, the breakdown of relationships and families, and the highest levels of dependency, addiction, social problems and mental illness that have ever existed. We do not learn about our emotions and we do not know how to navigate the territory they take us into. The consequential costs of this at both an individual and collective level are high. Our emotions serve a critical role in guiding our behaviour and actions but we tend to be uneducated in translating their purpose. Anger, for instance, can tell us what it is we care about. It can also be a warning that we may not be managing our personal boundaries well or we may be failing to recognise and articulate our own needs against the needs and actions of others.  Due to the emotional realm remaining unrecognised as a valid area of learning and education, two things tend to happen. Firstly, we suppress or deny our emotions and feelings and remain unaware of what they are trying to tell us. Secondly, and often due to suppressing them, they eventually erupt and we are in their grip. At this point, all rational behaviour goes out of the window and we are caught in an uncontrollable torrent. We are not taught how to recognise and be guided by our emotions and we are not taught how to manage them intelligently. Either we act without their guidance and ignore them altogether or we act whilst in their grip. We do not find the middle road and use our emotions intelligently. A major consequence of this is that our decision-making abilities and our capacity to navigate life become compromised. In his book ‘Descartes’ Error’, Antonio Damasio describes the case of a patient called Elliot. Elliot was a young man of high IQ who underwent a major change in his personality after developing, and then having brain surgery to remove, a brain tumour. As a result of this, he suffered damage to the prefrontal areas of his brain. One of the most dramatic consequences of this was that Elliot lost his emotions, or more accurately he lost his feelings which were his subjective experience of his emotions. What then emerged was that Elliot could no longer make rational decisions. He could discuss the pros and cons of various scenarios, so his rational ability and IQ were intact, but he could no longer choose between them. Without emotions, he could not weigh up the various options, and could not decide on appropriate action. The separation of logic from emotion not only fails to recognise that they are integral systems but it tends to relegate emotional experience and elevate intellectual experience. This not only diminishes the experience of what it means to be human but it is detrimental to our ability to be fulfilled. Life is meant to be lived and experienced, not just analysed and observed. In his brilliant book on Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman states that it is emotional intelligence, not intellectual intelligence, that is the governing factor in whether or not we live happy and productive lives and it underpins our ability to handle our personal and professional relationships which are the cornerstone of well-being and community. The emphasis on intellectual intelligence produces some brilliant minds who cannot function easily in the social and emotional worlds. These are the highly skilled doctors who have an abrupt and dismissive bedside manner, the lawyers who can deliver a convincing court case but cannot empathise or build relationships with their clients, and the academics who live in hermetically sealed environments who are esteemed for their knowledge and intellect but cannot handle emotional challenges in their professional or personal lives. In the organisational and business world these are the leaders and managers whose role in redundancy ends once the announcement is made, conveniently preferring to pass it over as ‘one for HR’, and who declare a culture of openness and engagement whilst creating an environment of fear and blame. In the family and social arena, it leads to superficial or fraught relationships where issues such as vulnerability, fear, anger and personal concerns are never properly discussed or shared. Things are hinted at but remain unsaid and unexplored. At the same time joy, compassion and the ability to feel and foster deep connection are seriously compromised. If we are to address the significant deficits in our educational, professional and personal lives, a new paradigm needs to emerge which recognises the importance and value of emotional education alongside intellectual and practical education. Instead of ignoring our emotions and failing to integrate them, we need to treat them as a source of wisdom and guidance. We need to blend our ability to reason and rationalise with our capacity to feel. If we are to live lives of meaning and fulfilment, and embrace the experience of what is it to be truly human, we must learn to make sense of our emotions, develop the skills to navigate their territory, and trust the intelligence that naturally resides in our emotional realm. 2011-07-14T10:20:22+00:00 http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/go-out-of-your-mind-and-find-what-you-love/ http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/go-out-of-your-mind-and-find-what-you-love/#When:16:31 The only way to be truly satisfied in life is to find what you love to do and do it. The challenge for a lot of people can be finding out what that is. School and college might not help you figure it out. Doing what is logical or what makes sense might not help you either. In order to find what you love, you have to follow your intuition, your curiosity and your passions and it is your body and your emotions that are your guide, not your mind. That might mean following something with no immediate practical application. It fact, that is usually where it starts. However, once you follow that, it may lead to something else, and then on again to something beyond that. Your life then does not become an immediate overnight change hailed by a light-bulb moment after which nothing is ever the same. Rather it is the result of joining a series of dots, where a picture only begins to emerge later on and the significance of your choices is revealed. After spending more than two decades working within the field of human resources and being in the privileged position of leading a large team of customer-facing staff for several years, I am convinced that the only way you can be fulfilled in your career or job is to do great work and the only way you can do great work is to love what you do. You cannot do great work if you are half-hearted about what you are doing. You can’t be the best you can be in a job that you’re not that bothered about. However, doing what you love is still seen by many as a luxury, a pie in the sky idea, where work is really about paying the bills. Alongside that is an increasing trend of dissatisfaction at work with rising stress levels resulting in high absence costs, where work is described as soulless and without meaning. The two are not unconnected. You need to find what you love and make it your work. Until you have achieved that, make it your work to find what you love. In encouraging you to go out of your mind, I’m not suggesting that you go mad. What I am suggesting is that you leave behind the rational, analytical thought process that tells you your dream is just a dream. I am suggesting that you leave behind the part of you that encourages you to play it safe and avoid taking a risk. Living a life of meaning and purpose is not to be found by following what makes rational sense. It is found by connecting with what brings you alive and what excites you. It is found by listening to your body and your emotions for signals. Have the courage to go out of your mind and follow your heart and intuition as they somehow already know the answers to your questions. Don’t let the opinions of others about what you should or shouldn’t do drown out the wisdom of your own voice. Life is a gift. Don’t leave it unwrapped. If you haven’t found what you love yet, keep looking. It doesn’t always come early in life. A huge continuing inspiration to me is the work of Joseph Campbell. If you haven’t come across him yet, check him out. One of his many quotes is this: The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. Despite our commonalities, we are all unique individuals. It is a privilege to be you. You only have one life to live and your time is limited. Don’t live it on gas mark one. Get out of your head, listen to your heart and follow what you love. 2011-06-15T16:31:12+00:00 http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/watching-ourselves/ http://www.onelife2live.co.uk/blog/about/watching-ourselves/#When:14:30 People-watching is becoming an increasingly popular pastime. I’m sure you’re familiar with what’s involved. It consists of sitting somewhere, perhaps a café or a park, and watching other people go by. From a few seconds of watching we form a story of what someone is like as a person, what job they probably do and whether or not we like them. Many a happy hour can be spent watching others. Some years ago I was sitting on a beach in Spain and a group of local pensioners came and laid their towels down on the sand in front. Within a few minutes, they had started to do some yoga, led by what looked like the oldest man in the group. Then they went for a swim, came back, opened the food and wine and tucked in. Once they had finished that, they all grouped together and broke out into song. It wasn’t an apologetic, half-forgotten tune they sang but a full blown choral rendition of an uplifting Spanish piece. They weren’t doing it for attention; they were just enjoying themselves. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. Free-spirited, warm, friendly, not a day below 80 but still young at heart. It made me smile. You don’t get that on the Blackpool coast.  A few weeks later I was sat in a meeting at work. This was much more British. Grumpy faces, arms folded, everyone wanting to get their own point across, including me. There was no frivolity here and the atmosphere was colder than a dip in the Atlantic. Not much chance of a collective up-beat song breaking out but plenty of tales of woe and a few personal ballads. Everyone knew what everyone else should be doing. If only they would do it.  In this constant process of watching and commenting on others we very rarely stop to observe ourselves. We are first-rate at issuing advice about what others could do better but we don’t often think about how we could personally change. The fact that we can never see ourselves means we sometimes overlook the role we play in the dynamic of a group and our attention is often on how changes in others would make life so much easier and better for us. This outward focus also means we rarely see the part we play in creating our own lives. When we are faced with a problem, the way we are viewing it is usually part of the problem but we are blind to the lens that we look through. When I work one-to-one with people, either personally or professionally, one of the areas we spend time on is becoming an observer of the self. To ‘people-watch’ ourselves if you like. This is not to be critical or judgemental but rather curious as to how we have become the person we currently are. How have our past experiences shaped what we see as possible and how does that govern the way we act and speak? Furthermore how does that have a bearing on the situations we find ourselves in and what is the likely trajectory of our life course if we continue as we are? We are co-creators of our own existence and beginning to take a look at ourselves can reveal the active role we play in our life’s results. The work I do with One Life 2 Live is an invitation to look within. It is an invitation to take a deeper cut and consider how the way we view things and act contributes to our experience of life. It is also an invitation to change our way of being where that no longer serves us. This can be difficult and challenging territory since it is much easier to ask someone else to change than to commit to changing ourselves. Having said that, there can be no talk of fulfilling our potential without taking this route and our desires to live a meaningful life can only be addressed by taking a look within. One of my favourite quotes is one from Marcel Proust in which he says, ‘the real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes’. If we can learn to observe ourselves as much as we observe others perhaps we can allow that voyage to begin. 2011-05-26T14:30:54+00:00